


such demons . very cats . much amaze . wow

by ThayerKerbasy



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Cats, Demons, Gen, Memes, Politics, Post-Episode: s13e20 Unfinished Business, Swearing, Unfortunately there are memes in this, all cats are beautiful, and it's great, excessive tweeting, hypothetically canon compliant, they're both kind of assholes, this is due to who I am as a person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-16
Updated: 2018-05-16
Packaged: 2019-05-07 21:34:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14679942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThayerKerbasy/pseuds/ThayerKerbasy
Summary: Asmodeus left to retrieve his pet archangel and never returned.  A bunch of demons had gone with him and they never returned either.  Spencer had no idea what he was doing.





	such demons . very cats . much amaze . wow

Spencer wasn’t sure what he was supposed to be doing. He had been out looking for the archangel Gabriel as commanded when Asmodeus had summoned him back, presumably along with all the other demons who had been out searching. He wasn’t a crossroads demon, so that involved leaving his meatsuit and searching in his smoke form if he didn’t want to do things the slow and plodding mortal way, but he was delayed in returning because his meatsuit wasn’t where he left it.

It was dead, a legacy of when Crowley was in charge and insisted on all new meatsuits being fresh corpses so as not to draw attention, so it couldn’t have just wandered off. He was just about to give up and go find someone else, when he found his slightly rat-nibbled dead flesh in a storage room.

After wandering around the palace for at least an hour, Spencer was forced to conclude that everyone had gone somewhere without him. On one hand, he was miffed at missing the chance to wreak havoc and impress the boss, but on the other hand, at least he wasn’t going to end up dead like so many other demons had lately.

In the absence of orders from Prince Asmodeus, Spencer considered his options. He could have gone back out again in search of the archangel, but he had been summoned back and would likely get in trouble if he wasn’t there when Asmodeus returned. There were no prisoners to look after and he wasn’t welcome in the kennel after that misunderstanding a few years ago. He could have helped with the torturing, but the torturers tended to be fairly territorial about their jobs and didn’t appreciate help.

Finally, Spencer pulled his phone out of his pocket and sat on the dais in the throne room. He didn’t sit on the throne, since getting caught there would’ve meant instant incineration if he was lucky. He did eventually raid the storage room where his body had been stored, coming up with a few ugly rugs and tapestries to make his makeshift seat more comfortable. That was where he stayed for at least a week.

*

For the first couple days, he watched cat videos. That dude who Ketch killed — Spencer never even learned the guy’s name before he was so rudely stabbed — had introduced him to cat videos on Youtube, and they were so fucking cute. It was easy to lose track of time watching the adorable little fuckers doing stupid things. He eventually moved his rug and tapestry nest closer to the wall so he could sit with his phone plugged in.

The cat videos led to Reddit, where he discovered entire sub-reddits of adorably stupid cats. That led to cat memes, and then memes in general, the best of which he tweeted. People on the internet always liked his tweets. At least, most people did. Someone said Pepe the frog was a dead meme, but Spencer was of the opinion that someone who hadn’t died was in no position to judge what was truly dead. He could bring it back if he wanted to.

He had just discovered the meme graveyard on Reddit when he heard footsteps in the hall outside the throne room. Quickly turning off his screen, he unplugged and pocketed his phone. There was nothing he could do about the things he’d taken from the storage room, but he scrambled to his feet so at least he wouldn’t be caught sitting down.

Expecting Asmodeus, Spencer sagged with relief when it was only Chad. Last he recalled, Chad had also been sent to find the archangel. “Hey man, did the boss call you back a while ago, too? He called me, but he was gone when I got here.”

“What? No,” said Chad. “I been scourin’ the whole damn U.S. of A for that fuckin’ archangel. I been afraid to come back empty handed, so I been steerin’ clear. I got word outta my boy in Colorado though. Seems some dude lookin’ exactly like our missin’ halo turned up dead. Someone musta got stabby.”

“So…you don’t know where Lord Asmodeus went?” Spencer was careful to refer to Hell’s ruler with respectful terms, no matter what he might have thought of the guy.

Shaking his head, Chad replied, “No clue, man. He ain’t never took off without tellin’ no one, though. Dude likes makin’ sure everyone knows just how important he is. You try askin’ someone else?” 

“There’s no one here to ask. It’s kinda creepy. I was the only one here for—” Spencer pulled out his phone and checked the date. “Dude, it’s been, like, weeks.”

Chad’s eyes went wide and his eyebrows flew up. “Fuck, man, that ain’t normal. Someone shoulda been back by now.”

“I dunno, man. What if everyone’s out with the boss? What if they found the archangel, sent him off to Hell, and now they’re all at Disney ‘cause the boss thought they deserved a reward or somethin’?”

“Man, you really think the boss is gonna take _anyone_ to Disney? Boss ain’t never rewarded no one and he ain’t startin’ now. Naw, man, them dudes is prob’ly dead. Ten bucks says it was Ketch.” 

“Woah, it totally coulda been Ketch. That guy was so pissed off at the boss. I heard from someone that Lord Asmodeus beat the crap outta him and that’s why he made off with the archangel. Oh wait, I just thought of something! Speaking of dudes who’re pissed at the boss, what about Castiel an’ Lord Lucifer?”

“Oh man, an’ Castiel’s tight with the Winchesters. That’s like,” he counted on his fingers, “at least five dudes who want the boss man dead. Six if you count Lucifer’s kid. When you look at it like that, seems pretty damn obvious, don’t it? They had some sorta fuckin’ showdown, the archangel got dead, an’ they made off with the boss man so’s they could make him squeal a bit afore they kills him.”

“ _Dude!_ That’s totally what musta happened. But wait, what about Lord Lucifer? Shouldn’t he've shown up by now if he won?”

Chad got a far away look for a moment, then snapped his fingers. “I got it. Why would he want nasty ass Hell when he can have Heaven, right? I bet you he took that kid of his on up to Heaven. They’re pro’bly lordin’ it over all them goddamn angels as we speak.”

“Maybe,” replied Spencer doubtfully. “He was pretty much runnin’ on empty when he was here though, wasn’t he? And Castiel’s gotta still be pretty mad about the whole wearin’ him like a coat thing. And that’s not even countin’ the fuckin’ Winchesters. How many times ‘ve they pulled one over on Lord Lucifer? Hey, I wonder if they crammed him back in the Cage again.”

Chad shrugged. “Well, whatever the fuck happened, I don’t think anyone’s comin’ back.”

It took a moment for that to sink in, but when it did, Spencer looked at the throne, then turned to see what Chad was thinking, only to find Chad looking at him. Deciding in that instant, Spencer didn’t waste any time in scrambling over to the throne, Chad right behind him. He was about to sit in the throne — he actually managed to touch it with the fingers of one hand — when Chad shoved him aside and claimed it for himself.

It wasn’t fair. Spencer had been there longer, and it wasn’t like Chad was anything special. Getting up and dusting himself off, Spencer sneered, “Fuck you, man, you’re like Scumbag Steve. What makes you think you should be the fuckin’ king?”

Chad actually looked down at him. “The way I see it, there ain’t but two of us left topside, an’ you’re a goddamn screw up. You sat here for fuckin’ weeks waitin’ for someone to come back an’ tell you what to do. Well I’m here now an’ I ain’t gonna waste no time sittin’ on my ass.”

There was obviously no point in talking to him. If Spencer wanted the throne, he was going to have to take it. Rather than argue, Spencer gave a thumbs up and raised his hand, sending Chad flying towards the ceiling, then opened his hand and flicked Chad against a wall.

It was almost too easy. Grinning to himself, Spencer stepped up and sat on the throne. Running his hands over the twin carved lions on the armrests, he savored the moment, remembering all the times the previous rulers had discounted him. He wasn’t going to be like them. Hell under Spencer would mean every demon doing whatever he wanted. Well, unless someone pissed him off. He had the power to send anyone to the torturers if they stepped out of line.

The throne was a lot more uncomfortable than he anticipated. Shifting in his seat, Spencer leaned sideways to see what it felt like sitting on only one buttock. That’s the only thing that saved him. Pain like white hot fire bloomed in his side where the angel blade had sliced him.

Chad, no longer pinned to the wall, reclaimed his blade, yanking it out of the wooden throne where it had gotten stuck. Grinning, he placed the blade’s tip against Spencer’s throat. “Crossroads demon, man. Can’t pin me down that easy. Too bad, I was gonna make you my right hand man. Now though…I sure as hell can’t trust you.”

There came a sound then, from the doorway of the throne room, of someone clearing his throat. Chad obviously didn’t want to take his eyes off the knife he held to Spencer’s throat, but Spencer was just barely able to see under Chad’s arm to the person in the doorway, and it was most certainly not someone he expected. Pressing his head firmly against the throne in an attempt to get a little further away from the blade, Spencer whispered, “Dude, I think you should turn around.”

Rolling his eyes, Chad instead shuffled around to the side of the throne, keeping the blade to Spencer’s throat the entire time. When he saw what Spencer saw, he frowned, obviously just as confused. “Drex, what up, man? I thought Spence an’ me was th’ only ones left up here.”

Drexel reached out, wrapped his fingers around nothing, and twisted, turning the blade in Chad’s hand away from Spencer. As the blade moved towards his chest, Chad’s eyes widened and he flickered on the spot. Drexel smiled. “I took the liberty of locking down on your teleportation abilities the moment I saw you. Now, are you going to put that blade away, or do I need to sheath it in your skull?”

Thank fuck, Chad put his blade away. Spencer kind of missed the days when everyone and their cousin didn’t have an angel blade up their sleeve. Back then demons killed each other the old fashioned way, slow and messy, with plenty of opportunity to get out of it.

Chad kinda slumped, then got down on one knee. “Sorry, Drex, I mean Drexel. Lord Drexel. Fuck, I’m sorry, man.”

Before Chad could change his mind, Spencer scrambled out of the throne to stand on the other side of it from Chad, kneeling after a moment’s hesitation. “Are you, like, the king now, or something?”

Drexel stood just a little straighter. “While I technically possess the powers of Hell’s sovereign ruler, I am only holding those powers until the return of our rightful lord and master, Lord Lucifer or his son. But until such time as either of them return…” He strode over and sat on the throne between them. “You will obey me. And if I catch either of you attempting to steal the throne for yourselves, I _will_ destroy you before you can blink.”

Spencer nodded so hard, he thought his head might fall off. On the other side of the throne, Chad did the same.

“Enough,” said Drexel, his voice somehow more commanding, as if sitting on the throne had made him worth listening to. “Stand up, you putrid maggots. You’re both terribly disappointing, but there aren’t enough demons left in Hell for me to be willing to obliterate you without giving you the chance to improve yourselves. Show me what you can do. You’re going to start by cleaning this place until it’s fit for our almighty lord and his one true son.”

At first, Spencer wasn’t sure if he heard that right. He was a _demon_ , not a maid. He should be slitting hunters’ throats in their sleep or hanging out with awful garage bands until one of them got desperate enough to sell their soul. Even standing guard outside the Cage and listening to Michael’s insane rambling was a more dignified task than cleaning.

A glance over at Chad revealed that he was having similar thoughts. Drexel was new to the whole ruling thing. Maybe he didn’t know which jobs were appropriate to assign to experienced demons and which should be reserved for…someone else. He didn’t know who, but it didn’t matter, because it shouldn’t be them.

Apparently they thought about it for too long, because Drexel gripped them both tightly around the throat without laying a finger on them. “Was I unclear? I meant _now_.”

Neither Spencer nor Chad wasted a moment when they were released, both bowing deeply while backing away and croaking out whatever apologies came to mind. The words didn’t matter, only that they looked sufficiently cowed. The moment they were out of sight of their new boss, they stood straighter and eyed one another warily.

Extending a hand, Chad said, “This ain’t right. Sorry for stabbin’ at you, man. Truce?”

“Truce,” replied Spencer, accepting the handshake. “It’s not so bad. Rats did worse last time I smoked out. Anyway, we’re too good to be cleaning floors and that shit. We should be out making real changes.”

“Damn right. Make Hell great again,” said Chad with an emphatic nod.

“Hell yeah. And that dude is an epic fail. We’re gonna take Drexie to Candy Mountain.”

“That don’t seem right. Ain’t Candy Mountain a good thing? Like, the big display in the middle of the candy store or some shit?”

“What? Dude, it’s a meme. We’re gonna be all like, u mad bro? All your base are belong to us. Y’know?”

“Naw man, I got no clue what the fuck you’re talkin’ about. You got a plan?”

“Yeah,” replied Spencer, retrieving his phone from his pocket, glad that Chad’s blade had missed it. “We’re gonna go find something soft in one of the storage rooms, and we’re gonna sit on our asses and watch cat videos. You heard the boss, not enough of us left so he’s not gonna kill us. We’re gonna watch these cute lil’ fuckers and do dick all ‘til he lets us go do real demon shit again.”

Reopening Youtube, Spencer pulled up a video of a kitten playing with its own tail. It was exactly what they both needed to see. Angling the screen so Chad could see it while they walked, Spencer sent up a prayer of thanks to Ceiling Cat for the day’s fresh crop of cat videos. He no longer believed in Lucifer as their lord and savior, and God had never done anything for him, but Ceiling Cat always came through.

**Author's Note:**

> I'll bet you've guess already, it's Coldest Hits time again! [This month's theme](http://spncoldesthits.tumblr.com/post/173922619082/spncoldesthits-redux-may-prompt-posting) was to snag some tags from [ao3tags](http://ao3tags.tumblr.com) and use them as inspiration for a story. I ransacked that blog for a ton of tags and ran with them. The story is tagged with all the tags I used (starting with Swearing and continuing with every tag after that).
> 
> That said, I came up with this month's theme, so I'm not trying overly hard to win. I'd love all the comments and kudos you can throw at me. However, if you feel like checking out the competition, there should be a wide variety of fics this month in the SPNColdestHits collection and if you feel like checking me out on Tumblr, I'm not the chattiest fellow, but I do participate enthusiastically in Crowley Friday as @[thayerkerbasy](http://thayerkerbasy.tumblr.com)


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